"I don't know whether it's worth it... the blog I mean." I sighed to Fraser feeling the weight of the world balancing precariously upon my tired shoulders. It a phrase I've been been chewing over for the past few weeks.
I feel like I spend all of my time online, if I'm not online I'm thinking about what I'll do next online. It's a hungry monster which never seems to be satiated. Whatever I do is never enough. As soon as I've pressed publish on a new post or a photo on Instagram I'm immediately thinking about what I'll create next. Not the following week, not even the next day, quite literally within minutes of having hovered my finger over the button on the mouse, and clicking it with relish and a feeling of accomplishment. That glow of achievement lasts minutes, maybe even seconds. Something isn't quite right here.
I don't want to live my life a certain way in order to share it online. I don't want to do particular things just for Instagram. I don't want to be this slave to the internet that I have become. An internet addict who just needs one more hit before she does the cleaning. Who will stop half way through cooking dinner to quickly refresh a feed. Who consumes endless, meaningless content every single day.
It's a battle many of us seem to be losing, we step back for a moment and allow ourselves a glimpse of the big picture only to fall right back into the vortex. It's a headache our parents and grandparents have never had to face and can't quite understand. How do you explain that to feel savvy and on top of things in this life you must have the approval of complete strangers?! It sounds ridiculous doesn't it? It's because it kind of is...
To be up to date with the latest algorithm change, the newest sparkliest shiniest social media channel, the cool kids on the tinterweb block is an impossible task. To keep everything updated is like juggling swords, which are on fire, buzzing with wasps and dripping lava all over you as you desperately try to juggle them and spin spiky, icey, flakey plates with your little toes. We not only expect so much of ourselves online, we expect it of others too.
I spoke the words quietly, humbly, exhaustedly to Fraser. "I don't want to continue building something which requires all of me and more. Which eats up my day, my thoughts, my energy, my creativity, the very essence of who I am. I don't want to feel like I have to live a certain way, do certain things, take photos of everything I eat and drain myself of, well, of everything."
"Then don't" he replied.
"It's not that simple Fray." I said
"Why not? Why do you want to blog? What do you want to get out of it?" He enquired.
"I want to have a place to keep my recipes so that I don't forget them and I can cook the good ones again. I want to keep track of our lives with photos and videos. I want to look back on those memories in years to come. I want to tiptap away every Wednesday about the wonderful moments of the week so far. I want to share photos of the furbabies and document our days. I want to capture little moments of our lives forever."
"Then do that Pea. Do exactly that. Just share what you want, when you want. You don't need a schedule. You don't need to box yourself in with rules. You don't need to send out a newsletter every week. You don't need to live your life a certain way just for the internet. Just do what makes you happy. Do what feels right. Share what you want to share and don't share what you don't want to share. Follow those you want to follow and don't follow the ones you don't want to. Hop onto Instagram when you feel like it and cuddle a cat when you don't." He replied.
Oh. Ohhhhhh. I see. Could it be that simple? Maybe it could. Maybe it could...
Side note: I've shared similar thoughts before on here, on instagram or twitter but I thought I'd jot down these newly evolved thoughts on the subject because it helps me to sort through the thoughts in my mind. I thought it also may help you if you're having similar feelings. I've read quite a few letters and posts to the internet, to instagram or about blogging lately which quite probably have had an impact on the way I'm feeling right now. Here are a few which I've read lately and really head nodded along to.