There are so many words and phrases, sentences and even quotes whizzing around in my head right now. I can't seem to hold on to any of it for more than a few seconds, if only to form a thought never mind write a coherent blog post. It's been a tough week which is what I said last week. But it has, and I'm not going to try and gloss over that fact as I usually would. I'm the queen of glossing over my feelings, preferring to show the world what I believe they want to see rather than how I really feel, but this week, this week (possibly for one of the first times in my life) I've really struggled to do that. I haven't been able to plaster on that huge smile and burst into rooms in a positive, over energetic way. I kind of felt like I was broken and I didn't really know how to put myself back together again. I've never considered myself to be a person who suffers with anxiety, which looking at how I tend to deal with particular situations is just ridiculous. Once I'm very worried and anxious about something I get very sick, I can't hold down food or liquids. As if that isn't tricky enough I also have nightmares and sleepwalk. It rarely happens, but when it does I tend to get lost in my thoughts, preoccupied by what ifs and maybes. I become this very quiet, still, ghost of myself. Usually I can snap out of this pretty quickly. I've always been able to hide it at the very least, even from myself but this week I just couldn't.
I forgot to be kind to myself, until today I hadn't even realised that I haven't meditated or done yoga all week. I haven't given myself a bit of slack once or done something I enjoy doing.
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt
Eleanor Roosevelt you were one very smart lady.
Life is full of lessons, if you'd have asked me on Tuesday what I thought this life lesson was about it would be a far cry from what I believe it to be now. I think I've had a few thrown at me over the past few weeks, much like London buses life lessons tend to be few and far between and then a flurry arrive all at once.
We can not control what happens to us, only how we react and how we let it affect us. We can either be the victim of a situation or we can take control and say this is not how life is going to work out.
I started to write a blog post earlier on in the week regarding how I would like to be remembered. Even in just a few days, that has changed. I want to be remembered for being a strong, capable woman who stood up for her beliefs. I want to be remembered for taking control of my life, for not taking anything for granted. I'd like to be remembered as a passionate human being who loved unconditionally and always thought before she spoke. I'd like to be remembered as the fool who would have done anything for anyone.
I wasn't expecting a week like this, it's been a chapter of my life that I would have loved to skim read quickly flipping over the pages. Yes, some really bloody tough unexpected things will happen in this story but some really amazing, exciting unexpected things will happen too.
I'm going to leave you with a little food for thought - Some of the best days of our life haven't happened yet.
Here's to beautiful, exciting, unexpected adventures which are every type of wonderful in the coming chapters. Here's to life.